Looking Back

...Sometimes I just need to listen to meaningful music and write the hell out of my heart...

Writing is going to be the one thing that is going to help me get back to feeling like myself again. I guess it's a long story as to how I got to where I am today... and I should probably at least attempt to tell a little bit about my journey. I have a lot of troubles to work out from the last 5 years of my life... and most days I think about everything I want to say, in my head.... and feel a strong urge to get it out on paper, out in front of me, out of my head, my heart, my soul... just get it out for the world to see, to relate to, and to make me feel like I'm not alone in my journey.

I'll start by saying I feel like I've been 3 completely different people over the past 14 years of my life. Why 14? I started high school 14 years ago (seriously?!)... and I have evolved into this person I am today, every single day since.

So lets begin the journey.

High School.

I started high school as your very average "Plain Jane" girl with a new "short" haircut (up to my shoulders, which is super short for me...), a very average wardrobe (but appropriate, which is more than we can say for today's high school girls... yikes.), and a nice mouthful of braces. Did I mention I didn't wear ANY makeup at this point in my life yet either? I'll be honest, looking back, I was not much to look at. It's no wonder I felt very invisible walking through the hallways, smiling at the occasional friendly face, but otherwise keeping my chin down in an attempt to hurry up and get to my class before the bell rang. I never wanted to be late. Late was never accepted in my household growing up. Just ask my older sis... her and I had very strict rules. Yes, I have 2 younger siblings too, but, lets be real here, they had it way easier than my older sis and I did. (My brother followed the 3 sisters... he basically had no rules by the time he got old enough to need rules! ha!) My sis and I had very strict curfews... we literally could not be a minute late, or we'd be grounded. However minutes late we were was however many days we were grounded. Needless to say, it taught us to be on time. No, it taught us to ALWAYS be early. I still, to this day, make sure I am early to everything... and if I feel like I'm running late, watch out, it's not cute. ;)

Anyways, high school.

I get really upset when I hear about today's society wanting to get rid of the Arts programs in school. If it weren't for my Art classes, I would not have made it through high school. I hated school. I, for some reason, have always hated school. No one would have EVER guessed it though... especially in High School. I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that I was probably labeled as a "Goody-Goody". Apparently, just because you get really good grades and keep to yourself, you get slapped with the label of being a goody-goody. Looking back, I can't understand why I would ever have been embarrassed by this title... I should have held my head high and felt proud of the fact that I applied myself, got awesome grades, and didn't get involved in any of the drama that IS high school. I mean, right?! The most interesting part about the way I was, was my story behind it, which no one knew, tried to figure out, or cared about. My parents expected us to get good grades, there was no reason we could not apply ourselves and come home with report cards that would make them proud. I learned early on that it was not acceptable to disappoint my parents, so I tried really hard not to. (I saved that for later on in life... when I got pregnant before I was married. ;) ...) Here's the thing about the person I was in high school... I HAD to get good grades, when I wasn't in school, I HAD to work at my job, because I knew that the only way I was going to be able to afford college was to get scholarships. And I did. My whole 1st year was completely paid for by scholarships, my 2nd year was mostly paid for, and I never went a single year of college without scholarships to help me pay my way through. My parents let us know early on that they were not paying for our college, so we knew if we wanted that to be the path we'd take, we'd have to work really hard for it. And who wants to start their life off with 23947298 million dollars in student loans?! I sure as hell did NOT. And I completely agree with my parents not paying for mine or my siblings' college. There were 4 of us, it would have costed my parents a fortune they didn't have, and it taught us to be responsible with our money and to work for what we want in life. It's the same way I will be teaching my kids about responsibilities too. I am thankful my parents didn't hand me things in life, especially now that I am a parent and trying to raise my own kids the right way.

I drove a station wagon in high school. No, scratch that, I drove TWO station wagons in high school. First it was a red one... when that one decided to die, it was a white one, with a lot of rust spots and a very squeaky belt of some sort. I called it my White Limo. :) It even had one of those rear-facing seats in the very back... which my younger brother chose to sit in every time he rode with me... even when it was just me and him. lol. Was it my dream car? Gosh no. But who was I to complain when my parents provided me with a vehicle to get to school and work in?! I always said, if it gets me from point A to point B, then it's perfect. :) My parents were smart, they let my sis and I drive it, we paid for our gas, and they could use it as leverage to make us behave. I had the car taken away from me MANY times, I mean... a lot... for many reasons. When the car was taken away, it meant I had to take "gasp" THE BUS. Looking back, why was the bus such a horrible thing?! lol... kids are so weird. So as I already did not feel like a cool kid at school, when I had to ride the bus, I felt 10 times less cool. I never had a boyfriend in high school... and honestly, I'm not sure if it was because of my looks, my shyness, my ability to get extremely embarrassed (and turn bright red) whenever a cute guy talked to me, or the fact that I just honestly didn't have time for one? I like to think it had nothing to do with my looks and personality... but I'm sure it did. I was the nice girl. The quiet one who people thought they knew, but really did not. I kept to myself because I didn't believe in being mean to other people... and it seemed like high school was consumed with that. I always made a point to be nice to the people who got treated badly by others, because honestly, they were the nicest people in the end. I had many crushes, on many guys, but never felt good enough to pursue any of them. Looking back I wish I would have given myself more credit. Maybe I wasn't the prettiest girl, I didn't drink or get in trouble, but I was funny and kind, and had a lot to offer in a relationship. I guess I was just always searching for something deeper than a high school relationship anyways. My whole life I've never believed in dating someone "just" to date them. Every person I've dated, I've looked at with the intentions of marriage. If they were not marriage worthy, I wasn't going to waste my time dating them. I guess I've just always been a deep person, and in high school, people aren't looking for someone with deep thoughts, they're looking for boobs. I had those too, I just chose not to show them. lol... ;)
 My best memories of high school were made in Art Class. To say my teacher was amazing, would not give him enough credit. He changed my life. He made me realize that the path you choose in your life does not have to be about how much money you make, or what title you have... it's about what you love and feel in your heart. I've heard people say that there is 1 teacher who made a difference in their life, and he made that difference in mine. It was a class where I was allowed to be ME. I was able to do something I loved, with people with the same passion all around me. I still look to some of those people as the people who will always understand a part of me better than anyone else will. You know when you are a Senior and you vote people the "Most Popular, Best Eyes" and whatever for your Yearbook... well, I, along with one of the nicest, most talented guys I've ever met, was voted "Most Artistic". Sure, it would have been awesome to be voted something like "Best Smile"... but lets face it, no one is going to vote a mouth full of braces as the best smile. Most expensive smile, maybe. ;) It was the best compliment I've EVER gotten to be voted Most Artistic. It made me realize that people actually knew I existed... and knew I had talent. It was my first boost of confidence in high school. My second was when I was voted onto TWIRP Court. (The dance where the girls invite the guys...). I felt SO excited... shocked... noticed. It was hard to swallow though, because part of me has always wondered if it was just some kind of pity vote... or joke. I like to tell myself that maybe people voted for one of the quiet nice girls for once, because they felt I deserved it or something... but I suppose it will forever remain a mystery. It doesn't matter, I embraced it, and I had a blast at that dance. :) While I'm talking about dances, I find it important to point out that I went alone to my Junior Prom. Ok, not alone, but with a group of female friends. Apparently I wasn't awesome enough for a single guy to want to ask me to Prom... so I told myself I wasn't going to miss it, and a group of girls who had the same thought, made the choice to go... and to have fun. And we did. :) I can't say it didn't hurt not to be asked, as it was also embarrassing... but at least I still got to go. My Senior year I was asked by a guy friend to go, but I actually turned him down. I think he had stronger feelings towards me than I had for him, and I didn't want to lead him on, or make our friendship awkward. Turned out good, because the girl he ended up going with had a huge crush on him. :) I stayed home, or worked, I don't really remember what I did that night... but I guess I was just over high school at that point. I went through my Senior Year with the mindset of, "After this year, I will never have to see most of these people ever again..." Obviously, that was before Facebook. lol.........

I just feel its extremely important to explain why I feel the need to go so in depth about my high school experiences. There have been people who I've been in contact with the past 5 years of my life, who swear on their lives that I have had an easy, spoiled, problem-free life.
Let me just clear this up. I was nowhere near being popular in high school. I had dark brown hair, my natural color (did I just admit that?! lol), and 4 years worth of dental work. I still didn't wear makeup, even during my senior year. I don't know why... I just had no interest in it at that point of my life. When it came to my braces, I had 2 oral surgeries, and another oral surgery to remove my wisdom teeth, all while I had my sparkling metal smile. :) Turned out I had a hereditary teeth issue that my Grandpa had, and no one ever knew about, until it happened to me. It was worth all the nasty school pictures I have to look back on to get to where my teeth are today. :) What's that they say... a million dollar smile?! lol... maybe literally. ;)

Enter College.
Oh Lord, where do we begin?!
I'm not sure if it was the new-found freedom of college that I loved so much... or the fact that I didn't have school ALL day Monday through Friday... but it definitely changed me.
My 1st year I roomed with a girl I have known since 4th grade. She had been a best friend of mine off and on all through my life. We went through major ups and downs together, but we survived. :) That year, I met a group of guys who very quickly became my best friends. They were like my protective brothers, which would eventually prove to be both good and bad. I still love them all to this day, and always will. I shared some of the best parts of my college life with them, and even though life changes people, they are unforgettable in mine. During this year of school, I (finally) started wearing makeup... I got introduced to drinking alcohol... and I took an out of the blue trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I'd say that sums up the way my college life began. lol...
My 2nd year of college I fell in love. I mean, I fell hard. I met a guy in, where else, my art class. We had an amazing relationship for the next 1.5 years, lived together, looked at houses to buy together (didn't end up buying one, thankfully), and planned our future life together. I was in love and I was not looking back. I would have sworn on my life that he was "the one" for me. I even remember one time we went snowboarding with some female friends of mine, and the next day one of the girls told me she broke up with her boyfriend because after spending the day with Boy and I, she realized she didn't have a connection with her boyfriend like I did with mine. I guess you could say that I was completely blindsided the night we got into a little argument over something, and he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. To say my heart was shattered, does not do justice as to what I felt in that moment. My world stopped. My world, as I knew it, ended. I never knew a heart could actually, literally, hurt, until mine did. I could not breathe. All I could do was cry. And shake. And basically have a really ugly breakdown. I remember him hugging me and holding on to me, telling me I'd be ok. I remember being mad at love and the fact that it would allow someone to fall so hard... only to be kicked back down to where you began... alone. I don't remember being mad at him. Not in that moment. I felt loss. Like someone had just died. In a way, it was me. I swear my heart stopped that night... and when it began beating again, it was beating to a different drum. I was forever changed. I remember logging onto my AIM that night, as I was bawling, and sending my little sister a message to tell her to tell my mom that Boy had just broken up with me, and not to call me, because I could not possibly get words out of my mouth. I was, at that moment, speechless. Choking on what was suppose to be my breath. My mom, as a mom would, called me anyway. I answered and could not get a word out. I remember her just asking me over and over if I was ok. We all thought this Boy would be a part of all of our lives forever... and he took us all by surprise and broke my families heart when he broke mine.
I spent the rest of that semester taking long walks at night, in disguise (hoodie, over-sized sweats, and my glasses) as not to have to talk to anyone I may have run into along the way. I didn't have the energy to entertain pointless conversations... I had a broken heart. I remember sitting alone for a very long time, at a picnic table in the middle of a patch of pine trees and just staring at my phone, waiting for Boy to realize I wasn't at our apartment, and to call me and ask where I was. He never called. That night I walked back to our apartment, went to bed in my own bed, in my own room, and was done. The rest of the nights spent sharing that apartment with him I spent going out. I'd go to the bars with my friends, just to get the hell out of the place that hurt me so badly. I'd make myself up to the point where I actually felt like I looked good, and I'd make damn sure he saw me on my way out. I guess this was my way of (for some reason) hoping he'd realize what he gave up, or at least making him feel a little jealous that another guy might be interested in me. Clearly, he must not have cared. After the break up was officially over and we went our separate ways, I found out he WAS interested in a girl from his hometown that I had met many times, and had many issues with. You could tell what she had to offer... just by looking at her, if you catch my drift. She had nothing to offer inside of her head, and I guess that's what he was looking for. Obviously, I was just too smart for him. ;) But really, it turned out to be one of those situations where throughout the last half of our relationship, she made it clear she was attracted to him, I made it clear he was taken, but he, well, he didn't make anything clear. He told me he'd never go for a girl like her because she was too dumb, too easy, too whatever... and then he turned around and did. While he was with me.
I guess I feel it's important to tell about Boy, simply because my experience with him changed me as a person. After our breakup, it's very safe to say I went pretty crazy. I met some other crazy girls along the way, and honestly, we had the time of our lives living it up at the bars... almost every night of the week. Horrible, right?! It was the way I handled my broken heart... and while I regret some of it, I can't, because I had more fun during the next couple years than I had in a very very long time. We were nuts, and the pictures I took to help me remember the nights, prove it. This was the point in college where I really started hating the school part, and loving the social part. It felt good to get dressed up and go out and get noticed again. I'd spend my nights feeling good about myself, meeting tons of people who now share hilarious memories with me, dancing on bars, getting free drinks/shots, and then dancing until we had to go home. It was a part of my life that I will never forget. And a part of my life that will forever make me laugh. Really, really really hard. lol. Like I said, we were nuts, and I am thankful for it.
After 5.5 years of college, I finally graduated. It was one of the proudest days of my life, because there were many, mannnnny moments within those 5.5 years that I almost quit. Even though I'm not currently using my degree, I'm still proud of myself for pushing through and getting one. :)

Enter Boyfriend... And Baby.

Ok, that sounds bad, I know. I met my now husband the night he graduated from college. One of my best friends at the time went to school there too, so I spent many weekends there. (I went to a different school.) I was extremely attracted to him the moment I saw him. We met, and life happened just as quickly. We dated for a year and 2 months before he proposed to me. Obviously, I said yes. Two weeks later, we found out we were also going to be having a baby. The moment I saw 2 lines on my pregnancy test, changed my life forever.
I was going to be a Mom. I was going to be a mom... and I was not married. Shit.
This, to put it nicely, was just not acceptable in my family. You get married, THEN you have a baby. That was the right and only way it was suppose to happen. So, naturally, it would be me that would test that. It's always been hard being the 2nd child in my family. My older sis has barely made any mistakes in her life. She plans everything, and then it happens, just as she plans. My life could not be any more opposite than hers. I do not plan anything anymore, because every plan I have made for my life, has not, at all, worked the way I thought it would. I'm oddly ok with this now.
The hardest moment thus far in my life, was telling my parents I was pregnant. I kept telling myself, a year from now, this will not matter. (Something I tell myself whenever I'm going through a hard time in life...) It just so happened my dad had bought a new table saw that day and was oddly putting it together in the kitchen of my parents house while I sat on the couch, trying to figure out how the hell I was going to tell them I was pregnant. I seriously thought he was going to test out his new saw by running me through it. lol. But really. I finally managed to get the words out of my mouth... and we will just say they were not happy. I don't want to go into detail, because it was a hard time in all of our lives... them learning acceptance of my not-always-so-great choices... and me learning what it felt like to truly disappoint my parents. It was a very emotional time, that thankfully worked out for the best in the end.
We were blessed with a beautiful daughter, who has forever changed my life, my soul, and has filled my heart with more love than I ever knew was possible. She was truly a surprise blessing from God, and I am so thankful she's mine. :)

My husband and I got married when I was 4 months pregnant, and that is something I would change looking back. I didn't feel good at all, I didn't look how I always dreamed of looking at my wedding, and lets be real, you're not suppose to be 4 months pregnant, wearing a white dress, at your wedding. Oh well, life has its own sense of humor too I guess. ;)

Mommy.

After becoming a mom to my 1st daughter, my life changed drastically. The bar scene was no longer, I was suddenly married with a child, and my friendships quickly faded (different points in our lives). My once skinny body was now consumed with stretch marks and an unwelcome extra jiggle. I had a really rough pregnancy (will make another post about my pregnancy nightmares), and didn't know who the person in the mirror was once again. It brought me back to my not-so-cute high school days... and made me long for my college body again. When my daughter was 6 months old, I got pregnant with my 2nd baby. This one was planned. I loved being a mommy SO much, that I wanted more kids immediately. Little did I know the tole this would take on my already suffering body.  9ish months later I was blessed with my 2nd beautiful daughter. Life as Mommy was amazing. I lost all of my 19 pounds I gained with my second pregnancy within the week after I delivered. I felt ok again, but still didn't know how to deal with my changed body. A year later I got pregnant with my 3rd child, my baby boy. He's now almost 5 months old and I am trying to dig my way out of a hole I like to call "Baby Weight". I'm at the point where I walk past a mirror and I don't even want to look in it because I know the reflection I see, is NOT the reflection I want. Having 3 kids, 3 and under is hard to begin with. Then you try to squeeze in working out and eating healthy, and it is a huge challenge. I've lost all of my confidence again. I find myself hating more things about my looks than I like these days. I am extremely hard on myself now, and am determined to fight my way back to feeling good again. Feeling like ME again.

But, then again, I need to figure out what mix of the 3 me's from my past, is the right "me". If that makes sense? I've gone through so many body changes, which also forced me to go through so many emotional changes, that it is going to be a huge challenge for me to get life straightened out again. But, I'm here. I'm trying. And I'm determined.